


No Substitute

by imnotbuck



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Frottage, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Period-Typical Homophobia, Touching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 21:14:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7070548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotbuck/pseuds/imnotbuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bucky struggles, he always turns to Steve.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Substitute

**Author's Note:**

> I should be doing something productive but I'm awful! I'm on [tumblr](https://fuckyfarnes.tumblr.com/)

Bucky only liked the beach when it was nighttime. He hated the throngs of people that walked down the boardwalk during the day and the muggy heat of the sun. It was funny that Bucky, who was always so upbeat and charming, had something that he truly hated. Only Steve knew that crowds weren't his thing and made him uncomfortable. It was a secret that he kept under heavy guard though Bucky hadn't really asked him to. He didn't want Bucky to have any weaknesses that the outside world could use and pick on, not like he did. 

A cool breeze blew the smell of salt and sand straight to them, a scent that they both loved. It reminded him of freedom and happiness; of Bucky in his entirety. It was dangerous to associate Bucky with something that he loved but that was just it, it was how he felt. He couldn't separate his feelings for Bucky from his rationality and it clouded his judgement. 

"I've been thinking about asking Dot out again." Bucky said and shoved his hands in his pockets. Steve nodded but refused to say anything. He didn't want to open his mouth and let something tragically idiotic come out. "Had a good time with her before." 

"Okay." 

"Do you.. do you think I should?" 

"It's up to you Buck. I'm not the one tryin' to date her." 

"I'm not trying to date her." He sounded oddly defensive. "I just want somethin' to do." 

"That's kinda mean, Bucky. She obviously likes you." 

"And if I don't like her?" 

"Why would you ask her out if you don't like her?" Bucky sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. Steve liked it best when it wasn't greased and the wind could blow through it freely, ruffling it and making him look like a boy again. In only a few months Bucky had turned into a young man and left Steve behind, permanently trapped in his awkward stage. He wasn't jealous or envious; he was kind of proud. 

"I just.. maybe I don't wanna be alone." Steve fought the urge to say what he wanted to "you're not alone Buck and you never will be," because he knew that wasn't what he meant. Bucky wanted someone to love and though he understood it didn't ease the ache it caused. "She's a nice gal and bein' with her's fine. I just don't think I like her that way." 

"You shouldn't jerk her around like that." 

"I'm not trying to." 

"Are you really lonely Buck?" Bucky's shoes scuffed against the boardwalk and he looked away. "You can tell me." 

"I can't tell anyone, least of all you." Hurt pooled in his lungs and threatened to drown him. He looked away and tried to keep his tears from forming. Since they were kids they'd told each other everything but he should've known that nothing could last forever. Growing up meant changing, it was natural and expected. 

"Okay." He felt Bucky's eyes on him but didn't look up. 

"Damn it Steve, that came out wrong. You know I tell you everything." 

"I get it." 

"I didn't mean to upset you." 

"I'm not upset." 

"Don't lie to me." He had never once felt small when he was with Bucky but he was starting to. "I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't, I'd never hurt you." 

"I'm not hurt so stop fussing." He wanted to add punk to the end to lighten the mood but he couldn't. "Are you gonna ask her?"

"No."

"You should if you want to." 

"I don't want to." 

"You just said—"

"I don't want to." Bucky repeated sharply and made Steve quiet. "I don't, I don't want to." He didn't know what he was supposed to say or if he could say anything that wouldn't upset Bucky. He'd rather they fight than be awkward around each other because they'd fought before but could always make up. With that type of hurt there would be no healing. "She isn't right for me. None of 'em are." 

"If you really want a relationship it'll happen." 

"Dunno what I want anymore. Everything's confusing." 

"Yeah." He said even though he wanted to ask what he was talking about. He couldn't risk Bucky being angry. Steve was tough and could handle himself—or try to— but when it came to Bucky he was just a kid. He wasn't able to protect himself because he believed that there was no need. The need for a high wall between them was terrifying to him. 

"Everyone's dating and fallin' in love, here I am doing nothing. I hate it." 

"Well you're the type of guy that'll never stay single for long, Bucky. People like you and fall for you easily. You'll get there." Bucky stopped walking and looked at him. 

"What about you?"

"What about me?" 

"When'll you get there?" Steve started walking again but slightly faster. "Hey, wait up!" Steve knew that no one would or could want him in that way. He was sickly and small, he'd never be desired. Being alone was inevitable. Given his current problem with Bucky, that was doubly true. "Don't just walk away like that." 

"I can't see the future." 

"You told me mine." 

"Because yours is easy to see. Not hard to tell that you're gonna fall in love and get married and have a family, Buck."

"You'll have all of that too." He wanted to tell him to shut up and walk away but couldn't. It was Bucky, he couldn't do that to him. "If I will, you will." 

"It doesn't matter that much to me." 

"But it's important, right? You don't wanna be alone forever, Steve. You always think you can do things by yourself but you shouldn't—"

"It doesn't matter." His voice was full of undisguised bitterness. "I don't care about all of that; I don't want it."

"You've never been a good liar." 

"I don't want a wife or kids or anything like that." 

"What do you want?" You, stupid. He swallowed the words and they hit his stomach like a bomb. 

"It doesn't matter." 

"It does to me." 

"I really don't feel like talking about this anymore." 

"Too bad, I do." 

"Why does what you want matter more than what I do? That's not fair— you'll have it all so do you really need the final say too?" Bucky stared at him, eyes wide and slightly scared. His expression slowly shifted into a mask of indifference. 

"I'll have it all." Bucky's voice sounded nothing like he'd ever heard before. "I'll have everything I'm supposed to want but not what I actually do." 

"Do you know what you want, Bucky?" Bucky's gaze hardened. 

"Always have." 

"I hope ya get it someday." Bucky sighed. 

"I didn't come here to fight." 

"What did you come here for?" Bucky nudged his shoulder. "What?" 

"You're hoppin' mad." 

"I'm going home." 

"I'll walk you." 

"I'm fine." He all but growled. Bucky deflated. "I've gone home by myself before, I can do it now. I don't need you to fight the bad guys for me." 

"I know." Bucky whispered. "But I want to."

"Don't care." He looked devastated and Steve's chest hurt. 

"I don't wanna leave things like this."

"Everything's peachy." Bucky moved closer to him and grabbed his chin between his fingers. "What're you doing?" 

"Shut up." He said and pressed their lips together. It was a feather light kiss but it was their first and Steve's first ever. He reeled back and Bucky stared. 

"You can't do that to me." He whispered raggedly. "You can't— James, Bucky— it's not— you know you can't." 

"Why can't I?" 

"Ask Dot out." 

"I don't want her." Bucky's fingers curled around the nape of his neck and he stared into Steve's eyes. "You know I don't." 

"Stop." 

"Don't you like me, Steve?" Steve jerked away and felt tears starting to fall. Bucky looked horrified. "Oh, oh no. Please don't cry." 

"Going home." He managed to say before he fled. 

-

Steve holed himself up in his apartment and didn't come out for days. Bucky stopped by relentlessly and stood outside asking for him for at least an hour a day before leaving. Steve found papers slid under his door after Bucky had left and all of them were notes begging for Steve to talk to him. All he could think about was that kiss, the kiss that shouldn't have happened. 

"Don't you like me, Steve?" 

It seemed like Bucky was trying to calm him down with a kiss and using his feelings against him. He couldn't use him like that, it wasn't right. All it was doing was hurting him and Bucky said he never would. They were best friends, it wasn't supposed to be that way. On the week mark Steve woke up to Bucky knocking on the door desperately. 

"Please, please Steve." Bucky begged. "Let me see you for even a minute. Please, kid, please." It broke him down to the core to hear him like that. "Even just talk to me. Steve— please." Steve knew he'd regret it but opened the door. Bucky looked like a complete mess; his hair was hanging in his face, his eyes were dimmed with red, and he looked absolutely exhausted. Upon seeing him Bucky's chest heaved with a small sob. 

"Hey Buck." Bucky stumbled forward and hugged him so tightly it hurt. "Calm down." 

"I'm sorry." Bucky whispered. "I hurt your feelings, I was a jackass. I'm sorry— please don't shut me out." He closed his eyes and hugged Bucky back. "This's been the worst week of my life. Missed you so much, Stevie." 

"It's fine." 

"You're mad and I get that. I deserve it, springing that on you like that, but I'm gonna be selfish. I don't wanna lose you, Steve. You're all I have." It wasn't true at all. Bucky had other friends and he had family too. It was Steve who had no one else. "Don't leave me." 

"When was the last time you slept?"

"Dunno." 

"Come on." Bucky refused to let him go. "I'm not goin' anywhere, we're just going to bed." 

"We are?" 

"Yes. You need sleep or you'll go nuts." Steve brought Bucky to his room and laid him down on his bed. Something about seeing Bucky lying in his bed after what'd happened made his stomach hurt. "Get some shut eye." 

"Aren't you gonna sleep too?" 

"I just woke up." 

"Please?" Steve sighed and laid down beside him. He tried to keep his distance but soon ended up curled against Bucky, his head slightly leaned against his chest. "Thanks Stevie." 

"Just rest." He flinched when Bucky kissed the top of his head but didn't move away. Bucky's arm wound around his waist and kept him pressed tight to his body. "S'okay, Buck." He whispered and Bucky mumbled something unintelligible. "Promise." 

-

They woke up hours later, legs tangled beneath the blanket and bodies much too close. Bucky's breathing was even beneath Steve's ear and the sound made him feel oddly light. It took them both a few minutes to register what was going on but neither of them made a big deal out of it, not until Bucky spoke. 

"When I kissed you, I wanted to." Bucky said softly. "No other reason, I wanted to kiss you and I have for a while." 

"Buck.."

"I was only gonna ask Dot out 'cause I was scared. I was scared that I was never gonna find someone that I loved as much as I love you." Steve gasped involuntarily and looked up at him. "Don't tell me you didn't know." 

"You've had girlfriends..?"

"Never worked for me. All I've wanted since I can remember is you, my best fella." Steve's heart raced. "I know that loving another guy is supposed to be shameful but I can't be ashamed. 'Cause it's you, I can't ignore it or hide it. I don't wanna be alone but I will be if it's not you." 

"You don't.. Bucky, I've loved you for so long." Bucky trembled and Steve cuddled closer. "You don't know how long. I thought you kissed me to shut me up." 

"Why would I wanna shut you up when I love hearin' you talk?" Steve blushed. "I don't want anyone else, Steve. There's no one else for me anyway." He felt tears burning his eyes and fought harder than he had in his life to keep them back. "No, not again. I keep saying things that upset you— I'm sorry." 

"You didn't. Goddamnit you punk." Steve sniffed and laid his head against Bucky's chest. "I don't know why I put up with your crap." 

"Because you love me?" Bucky tried hopefully. 

"Unfortunately." Bucky actually giggled and startled him. "I've never heard you make that noise before!" 

"Wanna hear me make some more?" 

"Obscene." 

"I do declare!" Steve scooted up higher on the bed and kissed Bucky properly. Bucky moaned softly and pulled Steve on top of him. His hands were everywhere, stroking and petting Steve endlessly. It didn't take much for him to feel like liquid sliding through Bucky's fingers. "So good, Stevie." He panted and Steve pressed his entire body down against Bucky's. Bucky's hands slid under his shirt and stroked the skin of his lower back. "Love you, Stevie." He practically keened and slid his tongue along the inside of Bucky's mouth, swallowing his praise. 

"I love you too Buck." Bucky's hips jerked and he groaned, surprising both of them. "Did you just—"

"— don't." 

"You just came from nothing, Bucky." Bucky blushed furiously. "I didn't even touch you."

"Shut up, jerk." Bucky rolled and Steve feared that he'd actually upset him until he settled between Steve's spread legs. A dark smirk lit up his features and Steve gulped but Bucky's expression changed quickly. He stared at him with the most sincere look of adoration that he'd ever seen. "Stevie, I'm with you til the end of the line." He smiled and sat up to kiss him. 

"Right there with ya James."


End file.
